still afraid

walking down dark streets through
cool night air grey mist
i see you for the
tenth time?
or is it the eleventh…
or maybe more,
we never could be sure…
i always saw you as some
floating apparition
some being of light coming into view
i always forget that you were once a
whole person
with hands and feet and hair and a smile…
but sentimentality is useless,
especially to me
seen too many situations grow
worse, far worse under it
crushed under its weight
feeling doesn’t help it,
emotion makes it harder to
let go.
that’s why i haven’t yet,
why i haven’t entirely lost this
blame, this
guilt, this
hurt
and for what?
because i didn’t talk to you?
it’s not even a good reason to feel so badly,
i know you’re somewhere else, i know you’re
fine, i know you carry on without a second
thought, but i’m still here,
still afraid.
of what, i’m still not sure.